Things my mother taught me

  1. RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
  2. TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
  3. LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.”
  4. MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
  5. IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
  6. THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
  7. CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
  8. STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
  9. WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
  10. HYPOCRISY. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
  11. THE CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
  12. BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!”
  13. ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”
  14. ESP. “Put your sweater on. Don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
  15. HUMOR. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
  16. GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”
  17. MY ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
  18. JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”