Steven Wright Wrecks

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went  nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that  considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live  there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone.  I said, “The whole time.”

So what’s the speed of dark?

How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been  dis-ing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of  the water?

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are  furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special  Olympics?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman  talks dirty to a man, it’s 3.95 per minute.

If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?