Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses … and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the chocolate group and the whatever-the-thing-in-the- tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is group.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That’s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel … it’s a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.