Some thoughts for today

  • Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written a self-congratulatory new book. It’s called, “Ministers Do More Than Lay People.”
  • Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
  • The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
  • My mind works like lightning: One brilliant flash and it is done.
  • The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
  • I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
  • It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
  • A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
  • My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines and a large trash can.
  • A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.”
  • Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
  • My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
  • If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull off to the side of the road.