Some thoughts for today

Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written a self-congratulatory new book. It’s called, “Ministers Do More Than Lay People.”
Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning: One brilliant flash and it is done.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.
A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines and a large trash can.
A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.”
Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull off to the side of the road.