Setting up a home security system

  1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.
  2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
  3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
  4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

“Bubba,

“Bertha, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls; they attacked a stranger this morning and messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ’em in the house.

“Better wait outside. Be right back.

“Cooter”