Read this to feel more intelligent

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”

— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.


“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.”

— A congressional candidate in Texas.


“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”

— Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark


“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

— Al Gore, Vice President


“I love ┬áCalifornia. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”

— Dan Quayle


“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”

— Lee Iacocca


“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

— Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.


“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”

— Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.


“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”

— Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina


“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”

— Keppel Enderbery


“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”

— Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman