I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot: He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right — only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where atrain stops. That’s why I call my desk a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it … so I said “Implants?”
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist: He won’t expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to take a hike in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt … plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A bus is a vehicle that moves twice as fast when you are running after it
than it does when you are in it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.