- Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
- Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
- Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
- Make every case involve overtime $$$.
- Buy bunches of boats, RV’s, and motorcycles with that overtime.
- Learn to play golf drunk.
- Wear team T-shirts, Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
- Try to fit the word breach in to every conversation.
- Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
- Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod.
- Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and Fitness.
- Learn to play golf wearing a gun.
Community Service units
- Hate SWAT.
- Work to make everybody love you.
- Paint your office in pastel colors.
- Think Feng Shui.
- Subscribe to Psychology Today.
- Learn to play miniature golf.
- Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
- Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
- Annoy everyone on the radio calling out your stops.
- Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
- Stylin’ by a building with big windows to see your reflection.
- Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.
- Become sadistic.
- Show pictures of your latest dog bite.
- Brag about your largest drug find.
- Smell like a dog.
- Workout 3 times a day.
- Show off your bruises.
- Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it’s a “meeting.”
- Upgrade department cell phone every month.
- Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
- Update your revenge list on a weekly basis.
- Golf Rules! Play lots of golf.
- Has nerves of steel.
- In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
- Inability to keep mouth shut.
- Has defining tastes in alcohol.
- Is respected by peers.
- Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.
FTO (Field Training Officer)
- Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when trainee is behind the wheel and car is put in gear.
- Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a “good training opportunity” and asks to take primary.
- Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day.
- Come in at 0800.
- “Breakfast” from 0815 to 1030.
- Work from 1030 to Noon.
- Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch.
- 1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn’t know. Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip.
- Remembers very well “how we used to do do it.”
- Always willing to tell his officers the above.
- Tries to fit the word “liability” in to every sentence.
- Talks about “what he’s hearing from upstairs.”
- Unable to grow facial hair.
- Watches every episode of Cops.
- Worships the ground the SWAT guys walk on.
- Arrives for work three hours early.
- Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.
- Won’t drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.
- Shave head, and grow goatee (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you are clean shaven, with short almost military style haircut).
- Wear 5.11 pants, and polo with agency logo (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you always have a shirt and pants to which a jacket and tie can be quickly added for when the boss might be around).
- Arrive at work at 8AM, spend one hour answering useless emails, and 30 minutes checking your retirement investments. Then go with another agent to Starbucks “to discuss a new case.”
- After participating in your first warrant service (as outside, back-up cover) make plans to join the agency SRT, SWAT, etc, to “properly utilize your superior tactical skills.”
- After doing your first buy bust, immediately begin asking the boss about “long term undercover” jobs.
- Refuse to play golf with “the locals.”
New Corrections Officers
- Show up for work 15 minutes early.
- Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2).
- Wear T-Shirts of your “dream department” under your uniform.
- Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove everything when you arrive at the facility.
- Become friends with every local police officer.
- Say you don’t want to work patrol anyway, but monitor dispatch channel while in courtroom.
- Have Jail and courthouse cafeteria menus memorized.
- Have seriously thought of entering law school after sitting through three jury trials.
- Consider the Public Defenders’ Christmas party the high point of the year.
Defensive Tactics Instructors
- Starts stretching before making arrest.
- Can spend hours debating the advantages of ASP vs. straight stick.
- Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton.
- Giggles when a suspect starts to resist.
- Responds to every question/statement with the word, ‘huh?’
- Has a % lead/blood level higher than the current Chief’s approval rating.
- Operates under the assumption that the more beer you drink, the more of that lead leaves your system.
- Thinks a new tactical handgun is a great Christmas gift for the wife/girlfriend.
- Has an image of a custom 1911-A1 for a screen-saver.
- Wears the latest high-tech electronic hearing protectors during normal conversation.