The personality characteristics for various police assignments

Narcotics

  • Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
  • Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
  • Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
  • Make every case involve overtime $$$.
  • Buy bunches of boats, RV’s, and motorcycles with that overtime.
  • Learn to play golf drunk.


SWAT

  • Wear team T-shirts, Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
  • Try to fit the word breach in to every conversation.
  • Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
  • Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod.
  • Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and Fitness.
  • Learn to play golf wearing a gun.

Community Service units

  • Hate SWAT.
  • Work to make everybody love you.
  • Paint your office in pastel colors.
  • Think Feng Shui.
  • Subscribe to Psychology Today.
  • Learn to play miniature golf.

Traffic units

  • Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
  • Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
  • Annoy everyone on the radio calling out your stops.
  • Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
  • Stylin’ by a building with big windows to see your reflection.
  • Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.

K-9 Units

  • Become sadistic.
  • Show pictures of your latest dog bite.
  • Brag about your largest drug find.
  • Smell like a dog.
  • Workout 3 times a day.
  • Show off your bruises.

Administrative Units

  • Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it’s a “meeting.”
  • Upgrade department cell phone every month.
  • Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
  • Update your revenge list on a weekly basis.
  • Golf Rules! Play lots of golf.

Patrol Units

  • Has nerves of steel.
  • In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
  • Inability to keep mouth shut.
  • Has defining tastes in alcohol.
  • Is respected by peers.
  • Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.

FTO (Field Training Officer)

  • Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when trainee is behind the wheel and car is put in gear.
  • Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a “good training opportunity” and asks to take primary.
  • Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day.

Investigators

  • Come in at 0800.
  • “Breakfast” from 0815 to 1030.
  • Work from 1030 to Noon.
  • Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch.
  • 1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn’t know. Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip.

Patrol Sergeant

  • Remembers very well “how we used to do do it.”
  • Always willing to tell his officers the above.
  • Tries to fit the word “liability” in to every sentence.
  • Talks about “what he’s hearing from upstairs.”

Trainee

  • Unable to grow facial hair.
  • Watches every episode of Cops.
  • Worships the ground the SWAT guys walk on.
  • Arrives for work three hours early.
  • Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.
  • Won’t drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.

Feds

  • Shave head, and grow goatee (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you are clean shaven, with short almost military style haircut).
  • Wear 5.11 pants, and polo with agency logo (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you always have a shirt and pants to which a jacket and tie can be quickly added for when the boss might be around).
  • Arrive at work at 8AM, spend one hour answering useless emails, and 30 minutes checking your retirement investments. Then go with another agent to Starbucks “to discuss a new case.”
  • After participating in your first warrant service (as outside, back-up cover) make plans to join the agency SRT, SWAT, etc, to “properly utilize your superior tactical skills.”
  • After doing your first buy bust, immediately begin asking the boss about “long term undercover” jobs.
  • Refuse to play golf with “the locals.”

New Corrections Officers

  • Show up for work 15 minutes early.
  • Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2).
  • Wear T-Shirts of your “dream department” under your uniform.
  • Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove everything when you arrive at the facility.
  • Become friends with every local police officer.

Court Security

  • Say you don’t want to work patrol anyway, but monitor dispatch channel while in courtroom.
  • Have Jail and courthouse cafeteria menus memorized.
  • Have seriously thought of entering law school after sitting through three jury trials.
  • Consider the Public Defenders’ Christmas party the high point of the year.

Defensive Tactics Instructors

  • Starts stretching before making arrest.
  • Can spend hours debating the advantages of ASP vs. straight stick.
  • Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton.
  • Giggles when a suspect starts to resist.

Firearms Instructor

  • Responds to every question/statement with the word, ‘huh?’
  • Has a % lead/blood level higher than the current Chief’s approval rating.
  • Operates under the assumption that the more beer you drink, the more of that lead leaves your system.
  • Thinks a new tactical handgun is a great Christmas gift for the wife/girlfriend.
  • Has an image of a custom 1911-A1 for a screen-saver.
  • Wears the latest high-tech electronic hearing protectors during normal conversation.