You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where …
- You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
- You’ve experienced condensation on your buttocks from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
- You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
- You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
- You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
- The four seasons are: Tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can retire to California where …
- You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
- The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
- You know how to eat an artichoke.
- You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
- When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
- The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can retire to New York City where …
- You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
- You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
- You think Central Park is “nature.”
- You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
- You’ve worn out a car horn. (ed. note: if you have a car).
- You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can retire to Minnesota where …
- You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
- Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
- You have more than one recipe for casserole.
- Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
- The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can retire to the Deep South where …
- You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
- “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
- “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
- Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
- Everything is either “in yonder,” “over yonder,” or “out yonder.” It’s important to know the difference, too.
You can retire to Colorado where …
- You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
- You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and so he stops at the day care center.
- A pass does not involve a football or dating.
- The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to the Midwest where …
- You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
- Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
- You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
- You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
- When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where …
- You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
- All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
- Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
- Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
- Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.