Eleven jokes for today

I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was at home with the kids.

Bought the wife a fridge for her birthday. You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

Charles Dickens walks into a cocktail bar. The bartender asks, “Olive or twist?”

Have you heard? Magnesium is shacked up with oxygen? I was like, “OMg!”

Just told the wife she has drawn her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

Everyone who drinks my home-made wine says it tastes horrible. I think it’s just sour grapes.

Feeling tired? There’s a nap for that.

Don’t believe atoms. They make up everything.

Trying to think of a good chemistry joke, but all the good ones argon.

I decide which beer I want to drink on a case-by-case basis.

I tried abstinence once, but it left a lot to be desired.