If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
I changed my car horn to gunshots. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “nap time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is, “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
I don’t have gray hair; I have “wisdom highlights.” I’m very wise.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I went in there for.