How my summer is going so far

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation with “Maybe next time,” isn’t acceptable.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever loved. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, “That can’t be accurate.”

As I watch this new generation try to write our history, one thing I’m sure of … it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I was afraid that he might be a serial killer. I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.

I tried line dancing, but didn’t do too well. The cop who was doing the scoring called it a roadside sobriety test.