A simpleminded person might say that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.Continue reading “Expert (dead) horsemanship”
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.
“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and an extra thousand for the story behind it.”
“At that price, you can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the bronze rat.”
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots and abandoned cars, all following him.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamppost, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can throw it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
“Ah sir, you’ve come back for the story,” says the owner.
“No,” says the tourist, “I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer.”
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?”
Continue reading “He’s a stud”
A cannibal goes to the human meat market to buy a brain for his lunch (as one would). He sees a little poster that boasts about the quality of IT professional brains that are currently on sale.
He asks the sales assistant: “How much does the programmer’s brain cost?”
“Three dollars per pound,” replies the salesman.
“How much for an analyst’s brain then?”
“Three dollars and fifty cents per pound.”
“What about the user’s brain?”
“One hundred and fifty dollars per pound.”
“What? How can it cost that much?” he asks, astonished.
The salesman replies “Do you have any idea how many users I have to kill to get one pound of brain?”
An elderly man in Northern Mississippi had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back fixed up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
After his death, Osama bin Laden didn’t go to heaven, but to a holding area.
- RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
- TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
- LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.”
- MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
- IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
- THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
- CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
- STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
- WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
- HYPOCRISY. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
- THE CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
- BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!”
- ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”
- ESP. “Put your sweater on. Don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
- HUMOR. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
- GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”
- MY ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
- JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah,” said Eddie. “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Harvey replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”
“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
“She said, “Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!”
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.