• Fifty bucks

    Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would say, “Norma, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”

    Norma always replied, “I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!”

  • The personality characteristics for various police assignments

    By assignment:

  • Not a gambler

    An elderly couple was traveling in Jerusalem, and during their visit, the wife died.

    The mortician informed the husband that with all the expenses and fees, it would cost at least $5,000 to ship his wife back to the United States for burial. However, if he wanted, he could have her buried in Jerusalem for $125.

  • Proof positive of global warming

    Proof positive of global warming

  • For sale: Old people

    old people for sale

  • Diversity car show

    1

  • Deluxe, all-in-one super notice

    This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in a well-ventilated are. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free number before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. UNIX is a registered trademark of AT&T. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. Do not hold in hand; light fuse and get away.

  • How to stop people from bugging you about getting married

    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

  • Splinters in her crotch

    A woman who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

    There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

  • Everyone loves Star Trek

    The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

    They shook hands.

  • Pope-mobile?

    After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

  • Need$ for DNA test

    “Need$ for DNA test”

  • Italians — it’s in their blood

    Italians

  • Internet cleaning time again

    We’ve had an important notice, that simply had to be passed on; for those who’ve seen it before, revel in your old-sk00l style: It’s that time again!

  • New emblem

    The White House announced today that it is changing the presidential seal to that of a condom because this image more clearly reflects the Obama administration’s positions. A condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually getting screwed.

  • Time breakdown of modern web design

    Time breakdown of modern web design

  • Travels

    I have been in many places, but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can’t go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

    I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

  • Doctor’s office

    There’s nothing worse than a doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

    A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

  • Women who know their place

    Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

  • Scam Alert

    Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes.” Turns out it’s about golf.

    Absolute waste of money.