• I just wanted to back up

  There’re too many gadgets in these new cars.

• Paying taxes for fireworks

  You know what’s not cool, Bobby?

• Enhanced senses

  If you lose one sense, your other senses become enhanced.

• Instructions

  Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would normally give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except for the fact that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:

• You know you live in Tucson because …

  You know you live in Tucson because:

• You’re in California when …

  You know you’re in California when:

• Are you ready for children?

  Here are some self-test exercises that will help you answer this question.

• If you …

  If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

• Credit and banking issues

  In March, a man living in Newtown near Boston, Massachusetts, received a bill for his as-yet-unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.

• Becoming what you think about most

  An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, “Are you a real cowboy?”

• Wear your noose

  If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

• The perfect day

  I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are:

• Excited about nothing

  The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

• Listening to my body

  They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies.

• Pills are pills

  A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care.

• Forgetting to eat

  Skinny people irritate me, especially when they say things like, “You know, sometimes I just forget to eat.”

• Shrinkage

  Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

• I gave up jogging

  I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

• Unconscious knowledge

  Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

• It’s difficult to keep up

  Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.