• Still broken after all these years

    If a mechanic took 47 years to work on your car and it was still broken, would you hire him for another four years?

  • Sunday School

    A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

  • Car problems

    WIFE: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

  • The perfect couple

    Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

  • The ex-golfer

    On a busy surgical floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient’s condition. “This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly.”

  • The eagle had landed

    One day there was a man who was walking through the forest and got lost. He wandered around for over a week, and was beginning to starve.

  • Take the poison

    Man goes to see the Rabbi.

  • Funnies for today

    Dyslexics ahve more fnu.

  • Dear Mom

    Dear Mom,

  • Election denial

    The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened.

  • Pudding Guy

    George Phillips, a civil engineer at UC-Davis, has become a cult hero in the obsessive subculture of people who collect frequent-flier miles by parlaying $3,150 worth of pudding into 1.2 million miles. Oh, yeah — he’s also going to claim an $815 tax write-off.

  • UNIX virus

    YOU HAVE NOW RECEIVED THE UNIX VIRUS —

  • Misheard lyrics

    Hal Meggison always wondered why Paul Simon was singing, “She’s got diamonds on the sofa machine,” and was not comforted to learn that she’s actually got diamonds on the soles of her shoes. Helen Garvey heard a 3-year-old child singing, “Who is the daddy of the angel Aquarius?” and it’s a good question.

  • Wife’s birthday

    It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. She’s been leaving jewellery catalogues all over the house, so I’ve bought her a magazine rack.

  • Where were you?

    A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 and 6.

  • Understanding women

    Once you understand why the pizza is made round, packed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle, then you will understand women.

  • Sounded like fun

    I watched a show for about 10 minutes because this lady was listing all of these fun activities.

  • Husbands are best for secrets

    Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they ain’t even listening.

  • Getting customer assistance

    You’d be surprised how quickly employees at Lowe’s assist you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try and and start a chainsaw.

  • Strange way to start a conversation

    My wife just stopped and said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?”

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