• The farmer and the old lady

    A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

  • Apple does it again!

    Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iBoobie will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

  • Vonn to lose gold medal

    The International Olympic Committee announced today that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn and given it to Barack Obama.

    Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal more than Vonn because no one has ever gone downhill faster than he has.

  • Gentle Thoughts for Today

    Birds of a feather flock together … and then poop on your car.

  • Fight organized crime: Re-elect no one

    “Resident Obama: If the Health Care Reform Plan is so great, why does it exempt you, Michelle Obama, Congress, Senators, and their families?”

  • Confessional Cuties

    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”

  • Trading places

    Let’s put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home.

    This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks, they’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc. and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.
    They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

  • Drinking with an Arizona Girl

    A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

  • From Moses to Obama

    Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.”

    Nearly 75 years ago (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.”

  • Door stop

    Door stop

  • How do I fix this relationship?

    Ralph, My neighbor is a “lefty” of sorts (Obama bumper stickers, gung-ho socialized medicine, “guns should be banned”, etc.). So last week I put this sign up in my yard after one of his anti-gun rants at a neighborhood cocktail party. The sign wasn’t up more than an hour before he called the police and wanted them to make me take down the sign. Fortunately, the officer politely informed him that it was not their job to take such action without a court order and that he had to file a complaint “downtown” first, which would be reviewed by the city attorney to see if it violated any city, county, or state ordinances, which if there was a violation a court order would be sent to the offending party (me) to “remove the sign in seven days.”

  • NBA or NFL?

    36 have been accused of spousal abuse

    7 have been arrested for fraud

  • Interesting trivia

    I don’t know if these are true or not, but they are thought-provoking.

  • Finally … a keyboard just for guys!

    Finally ... a keyboard just for guys

  • Thank you, America!

    Thanks so much, America,

  • Hollywood Squares humor

    These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.

  • Signs, signs, everywhere signs

    Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

    On a Septic Tank Truck: “Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels”

  • You May Be A Taliban If …

    By Jeff Foxworthy

  • The Wit and Wisdom of Little Larry

    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Larry?” “No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

    Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. “What’s the matter,” asked Larry “Giving up?”

  • Contents of a can of Whoop-Ass

    “A rarely-seen picture of the inside of an actual Can-O-Whoopass.”