• The perks of aging

    1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
    2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
    3. No one expects you to run — anywhere.
    4. People call at 9 P.M. and ask, did I wake you?
    5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
    6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
    7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
    8. You can eat supper at 4 P.M.
    9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
    10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
    11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
    12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
    13. You sing along with elevator music.
    14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
    15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
    16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
    17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
    18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
    19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
  • Procrastination

    Procrastination

  • At least he’s leading by example

    “The recession is over.”

  • What a track record

    “Government can fix health care.”

  • How to save the airline industry

    Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

  • Chicago-style community organizing

    “They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue!”

  • (In-) Action Figure

    (In-) Action Figure

  • Who knew?

    Who knew?

  • The hot-air hoax

    The hot-air hoax

  • The new Pledge of Allegiance?

    “I pledge allegiance to the Obama of the United States of Obama. And to the Obama for which we stand, one nation under Obama, with loyalty and obedience for Obama.”

  • That’ll be on Fox News

    “Nice shot, Mr. Resident.”

  • Then and now

    Then and now

  • Mao-maoing

    Mao-maoing

  • Hate that Walmart dress code

    “I don’t have to get all dressed up like I’m going to Walmart or something.”

  • Permanent solution

    “CHINA CABINET, buffet, hutch solid pine, 6.5 tall × 4.5 wide, lighted windows, few cat scratches but cat has been killed.”

  • Desperately seeking Grady

    “TOMBSTONE: Standard gray. A good buy for someone named Grady.”

  • Time machine mercenary wanted

    “WANTED: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You’ll get paid after. we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed.”

  • Used to be new

    “FULL SIZE Mattress. Royal Tonic, 20 year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.”

  • Marco! Polo!

    Police checked the area and found an open door in the back of the building. An officer went inside and called out, “Marco.” The man’s name was not Marco, detective Tim Dohr said. Instead, “the officer was trying to inject some humor into the situation.” Police found the suspect after he responded, “Polo.”

  • He’ll understand when he gets older

    On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?” After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s OK if you don’t know the answer.”