• Worst day of my life

    There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.

    “Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

  • After Quasimodo’s death

    After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streeets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

    After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer’s job.

  • Wild vehicles

    1

  • Mayan calendar explained

    Mayan calendar

  • Let him pass

    An elderly man is stopped by the police just after 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

    The man replies, “I am on my way to attend a lecture on the ill effects that gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse, smoking, and staying out late have on the human body.”

  • Finding Bin Laden

    Osama Bin Laden reportedly was living with three wives in one compound and never left the house in five years.

    It is now believed he called Seal Team 6 himself.

  • Words of wisdom from Leon Spinks

    “Why hurry when you’re already late?”

  • The perfect husband

    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

  • Job available

    Position: Surveyor
    Salary: $200 per hour (tax-free)
    Qualification: Must be fast on your feet

  • You’ve reached tech support …

    This is India. It’s where companies outsource their technical support, so they don’t have to hire U.S. citizens.

  • What a working desk says about a person’s mind

    Buckley, Hentoff, Einstein, and Obama.

  • Fifty bucks

    Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would say, “Norma, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”

    Norma always replied, “I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!”

  • The personality characteristics for various police assignments

    By assignment:

  • Not a gambler

    An elderly couple was traveling in Jerusalem, and during their visit, the wife died.

    The mortician informed the husband that with all the expenses and fees, it would cost at least $5,000 to ship his wife back to the United States for burial. However, if he wanted, he could have her buried in Jerusalem for $125.

  • Proof positive of global warming

    Proof positive of global warming

  • For sale: Old people

    old people for sale

  • Diversity car show

    1

  • Deluxe, all-in-one super notice

    This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may fade. We have sent the forms which seem right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in a well-ventilated are. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free number before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. UNIX is a registered trademark of AT&T. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Package sold by weight, not volume. Your mileage may vary. Do not hold in hand; light fuse and get away.

  • How to stop people from bugging you about getting married

    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

  • Splinters in her crotch

    A woman who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.

    There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.