The Self-portrait

Why I no longer shop at Costco

Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

Mary Kay billboard

“Like a cult, but without the animal sacrifice.”

Ace Hardware billboard

K-Y Jelly billboard

“We can’t think of any other uses for it, either.”

Hallmark billboard

“Face it. You’ll never come up with anything clever on your own.”

I wrack my brain over this, too

Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. “I’m going to be away for a long time,” I told him. “I’m going to Iraq.” “Why?” he asked. “Don’t you know there’s a war going on over there?”

Exxon billboard

“Where are all the news crews when we’re not spilling anything?”

Ikea billboard

Las Vegas billboard

“It’s only a gambling problem if you’re losing.”

Government health warning

Don’t swallow your chewing gum.

Comparing medical prowess

A small group of doctors from around the world is comparing notes at a medical convention.

An Israeli doctor says, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

Cubic Zirconia billboard

“Two months’ salary, my ass.”

Budweiser billboard

“Say no to drugs. That way, you’ll have more time to drink.”

Hooked on Phonics billboard

Corona billboard

“Tired of spilling beer while you drive?”

Don’t Drink and Drive billboard

“Don’t drink and drive. You’ll only spill it.”

Saskatoon Restaurant billboard

“There’s plenty of room for all God’s creatures. Right next to the mashed potatoes.”

U.S. Army billboard

“We’re proud of our privates.”

Warning billboard

“Beware of low flying aircraft”