• Time machine mercenary wanted

    “WANTED: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You’ll get paid after. we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed.”

  • Used to be new

    “FULL SIZE Mattress. Royal Tonic, 20 year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.”

  • Marco! Polo!

    Police checked the area and found an open door in the back of the building. An officer went inside and called out, “Marco.” The man’s name was not Marco, detective Tim Dohr said. Instead, “the officer was trying to inject some humor into the situation.” Police found the suspect after he responded, “Polo.”

  • He’ll understand when he gets older

    On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?” After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s OK if you don’t know the answer.”

  • Points for politeness

    Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. “No, no, no!” she screamed. “Lizzie,” scolded her mother, “that’s not polite behavior.” With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!”

  • Looking toward the future

    Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you’ll want to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.” Carolyn shrugged. “In ten years you’ll be too old to do all those things anyway.”

  • Isn’t there a class for that?

    As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them.”

  • Regrets

    I’ve spent 90% of my life and money in the pursuit of cold beer, hot women, and fast cars. The rest I wasted.

  • It’s better than being carried everywhere

    While I sat in the reception area of my doctor’s office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man’s, he said, “I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”

  • Prioritizing

    “An Edgewood man reported recently that his wife had gone missing some 18 months ago.”

  • Winston Bennett on his health

    “I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”

  • Tough duck

    “The duck refused medical treatment and left the area.”

  • Brooke Shields on smoking

    “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”

  • Suspicious character

    “The Learning Center on Hanson Street reports a man across the way stands at his window for hours watching the center; making parents nervous. Police ID the subject as a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger.”

  • Mariah Carey on extreme dieting

    “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

  • Fleeing turtle

    “The turtle fled the area undetected.”

  • Truly remarkable

    I think it is remarkable that within a week of Tiger Woods crashing his escalade, the press found every woman with whom Tiger has had an affair in the last few years, with photos, text messages, recorded phone calls, etc.

    And, they not only know the cause of the fight, but they even know it was a wedge from his golf bag that his wife used to break out the windows in the Escalade. Not only that, they know which wedge!

  • God vs. monkeys

    A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

  • Frank Feldman

    A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

    Passenger: “Who?”

  • My dog

    I went down this morning to sign up my dog for welfare.

    At first the lady said, dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.