• The Nobel Peace Prize

    “Just like welfare and socialized medicine: You don’t have to work to get it.”

  • Obamacare tablets

    Obamacare tablets

  • U.S. Presidency for Dummies

    U.S. Presidency for Dummies

  • Setting up a home security system

    1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.
    2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
    3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
    4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

  • Hide the decline

  • Tit for tat

    “If I can see your birth certificate.”

  • Prayer for Grandpa

    Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa’s computer. Amen.

  • Why men don’t write advice columns

    Dear John,

  • Not to worry

    There’s an email going around telling people not to eat tinned pork products, or they’ll get swine flu. Ignore it; it’s just spam.

  • The Fix

    There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg Fl. Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: “How Would You Fix the Economy?”

  • Who gets the last beer?

  • What do they have in common?

  • The moral of the bird feeder

    I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it is, as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

  • Words of wisdom

    If you want to be seen, stand up. If you want to be heard, speak up. If you want to be respected, sit down and shut up.

  • The Pope and Nancy Pelosi

    The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and says, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day they will rejoice!”

    Pelosi replied, “I seriously doubt that; with one little wave of your hand? Show me.”

  • Can your truck do this?

    I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned it to the dealer yesterday because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

    “Nelson,” the salesman said to the radio.

  • Cats vs. dogs

    1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
    2. Cats look silly on a leash.
    3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
    4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you’ve ever made since the day you were born.
    5. A dog knows when you’re sad. And he’ll try to comfort you. Cats don’t care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
    6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
    7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won’t go at all.
    8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they’ll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
    9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they’re in pain.
    10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

  • Drugs for women

    DAMNITOL

  • Important information for women

    1. Don’t imagine you can change a man unless he’s in diapers.
    2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
    3. If they put a man on the moon — they should be able to put them all up there.
    4. Never let your man’s mind wander — it’s too little to be out alone.
    5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
    6. Men are all the same — they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
    7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
    8. Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
    9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
    10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
    11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
    12. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.
    13. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
    14. Sadly, all men are created equal.

  • Walkin’ the walk

    A lonely female crab was walking down the beach one evening when she noticed a male crab coming toward her — but he was walking straight and not sideways.

    Impressed by his talent, she decided to marry him immediately.