• Animal personalities

    Different pets have profoundly different personalities. Some are smarter than others, some more willing to help “their” humans. When critters are asked to change the light bulb, their replies vary dramatically:

  • Various views of the cattle business

    DEMOCRAT

  • The lie clock

    A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter’s desk at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks there for?”

  • A cowboy’s guide to life

    Never squat with yer spurs on.

  • Prioritizing

    A group of redneck friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

  • Mama’s Bible

    Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

  • Do not talk to my parrot

    Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check.”

  • Punishment to fit the crime

    Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

  • Four religious truths

    During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:

  • The cook’s helper

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

    Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

  • Men’s age as determined by a trip to Home Depot

    You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever.

  • Here’s your change: Obamacare

    Here's your change: Obamacare

  • Summer classes for men at The Learning Center

    REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, July 24th, 2009

  • Better take the gun

    An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed, “Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated .38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me.”

  • The farmer and the government agent

    A man owned a small farm in Alabama. The Alabama Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

  • That’s pretty heavy!

    Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

    The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

  • Senate investigation

    The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.

    The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

  • When fishermen meet

    “Hiyamac.”

    “Lobuddy.”

  • The epitome of discretion

    Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan’s flat in Dungarvan when Sean O’Toole loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

    Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, “Oh, me boys, someone’s got to tell Sean’s wife. Who will it be?”

  • Best entry for the writing assignment

    A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions stated the short story had to contain the following three things: