• Since before you were born, apparently

    Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That’s the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?” Blank stares. “Well, you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.” An eight-year-old girl perked up. “How long was he missing?”

  • God’s problem now

    His wife’s graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there.”

  • I think Santa Claus is a woman

    I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she.

  • List of achievements

    List of achievements

  • Inside every Cracker Back Jox

    Free prize inside every box

  • The Nobel Peace Prize

    “Just like welfare and socialized medicine: You don’t have to work to get it.”

  • Obamacare tablets

    Obamacare tablets

  • U.S. Presidency for Dummies

    U.S. Presidency for Dummies

  • Setting up a home security system

    1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.
    2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
    3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
    4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

  • Hide the decline

  • Tit for tat

    “If I can see your birth certificate.”

  • Prayer for Grandpa

    Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa’s computer. Amen.

  • Why men don’t write advice columns

    Dear John,

  • Not to worry

    There’s an email going around telling people not to eat tinned pork products, or they’ll get swine flu. Ignore it; it’s just spam.

  • The Fix

    There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg Fl. Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: “How Would You Fix the Economy?”

  • Who gets the last beer?

  • What do they have in common?

  • The moral of the bird feeder

    I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it is, as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

  • Words of wisdom

    If you want to be seen, stand up. If you want to be heard, speak up. If you want to be respected, sit down and shut up.

  • The Pope and Nancy Pelosi

    The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and says, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day they will rejoice!”

    Pelosi replied, “I seriously doubt that; with one little wave of your hand? Show me.”