• Signs that you might be getting old

    1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
    2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
    3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.
    4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
    5. When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
    6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
    7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
    8. When happy hour is a nap.
    9. When you’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
    10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to You, and you always hated it.
    11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
    12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
    13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
    14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
    15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
    16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
    17. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
    18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
    19. Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
    20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
    21. It takes twice as long — to look half as good.
    22. Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt — doesn’t work.
    23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
    24. You sink your teeth into a steak — and they stay there.
    25. You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.
    26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don’t care anymore.
    27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
    28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.

  • Priceless

    8 beers – $32

  • Animal personalities

    Different pets have profoundly different personalities. Some are smarter than others, some more willing to help “their” humans. When critters are asked to change the light bulb, their replies vary dramatically:

  • Various views of the cattle business

    DEMOCRAT

  • The lie clock

    A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter’s desk at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks there for?”

  • A cowboy’s guide to life

    Never squat with yer spurs on.

  • Prioritizing

    A group of redneck friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

  • Mama’s Bible

    Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

  • Do not talk to my parrot

    Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check.”

  • Punishment to fit the crime

    Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

  • Four religious truths

    During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four religious truths:

  • The cook’s helper

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

    Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

  • Men’s age as determined by a trip to Home Depot

    You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever.

  • Here’s your change: Obamacare

    Here's your change: Obamacare

  • Summer classes for men at The Learning Center

    REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, July 24th, 2009

  • Better take the gun

    An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed, “Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated .38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me.”

  • The farmer and the government agent

    A man owned a small farm in Alabama. The Alabama Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

  • That’s pretty heavy!

    Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

    The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

  • Senate investigation

    The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.

    The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

  • When fishermen meet

    “Hiyamac.”

    “Lobuddy.”