• An Italian boy’s confession

    “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

  • Truth in labeling

    Vote for Obamacare to solve all of your medical problems!*

  • Obamacare end-of-life counselling device unveiled

    This is a tobacco smoke enema kit, used from the 1750s to the 1810s to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient’s rectum for various medical purposes. Doubts about the efficacy of tobacco enemas lead to the popular phrase, “blow smoke up one’s ass.”

  • Welcome to Obamacare

    The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, “Hello?”

  • Let me get this straight

    Obama’s health care plan will:

  • They don’t hate us for our freedom

    A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

  • Why, Why, Why

    Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

  • Haunting questions

    If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

  • Putting the ‘personal’ in ‘personal ad’

    This ad was posted to Craig’s List Personals:

  • Very smooth

    I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.

    The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

  • Headlines and the dead art of proofreading

    Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

  • Boy, did he take a wrong turn

    A spaceship landed one day on Earth, and a little green man got out. Addressing a curious passer-by, he said, “Take me to your leader.”

    The passer-by whipped out his cell phone, called 911, and sure enough, an armored SUV soon arrived with a government representative.

  • Smart thinking

    A businessman walks into a bank in New York City. He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

    The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, he has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the man’s expense for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

  • Careful what you request

    When I got home last night my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive …

  • Maybe not the best automated phone system

    Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

  • A reciprocal understanding

    A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: “If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I’ll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

  • Here’s some pay-back for you

    An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.

  • There’s a Commandment for everything

    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

  • No wonder he’s law-abiding

    A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He said, “Call for backup.”

  • The ideal marriage

    Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.