• Toddler property laws

    1. If I like it, it’s mine.
    2. If it’s in my hands, it’s mine.
    3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
    4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
    5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
    6. If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
    7. If it looks just like mine, it’s mine.
    8. If I think it’s mine, it’s mine.

  • Don’t drink and drive

    There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a down pour of thunder and rain. These two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

  • Quotidian haiku

    Hey! Get back indoors. Whatever you were doing Could put an eye out.

  • Computer terminology

    486 — The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

  • ‘Big O’ stamp

    The U.S. Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Resident Obama. There was one problem, though: The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

  • ID, please

    A young man asks for a ticket for an R-rated movie and hands me his ID. I’m about to sell him the ticket when the lady behind him speaks up.

  • Don’t think that …

    … Just because I have a short attention span doesn’t mean I

  • The wisdom of experience

    Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:

  • Powers of observation

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.

  • The history of pharmacology

    2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root

  • How to annoy others

    1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point your hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
    2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
    3. Insist that your e-mail address be: [email protected]
    4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
    5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
    6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
    7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
    8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to expresso.
    9. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors”
    10. Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
    11. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
    12. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
    13. dontuseanypunchtuationorspaces
    14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
    15. Ask people what sex they are.
    16. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
    17. Sing along at the opera.
    18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
    19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
    20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you’re going. For example: If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.
    21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
    22. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
    23. Hum when you ride an elevator.
    24. AnD tHe FiNal wAy tO aNnOy PeOple: Send this to everyone in your address book, even the person who sent it to you!

  • Writing tips

    1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
    2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
    3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
    4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
    5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
    6. Be more or less specific.
    7. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
    8. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
    9. No sentence fragments.
    10. Don’t use no double negatives.
    11. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

  • Comparing medical procedures

    Two little kids are in a hospital laying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room.

  • Tips on moving out of the city

    1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

  • Know your history

    It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. the teacher greeted the class and said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me death’?”

  • Too much togetherness?

    The woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

  • Who’s your daddy?

    Hard to believe, but the following are replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing “father’s details.” These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up. Five surely gets “most creative.”

  • Barry could have won in absentia

    Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: “Contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.”

  • Texas rabbit attacks snake

  • Political bumper stickers

    So, how’s that “hope” and “change” working out for you?