• Things my mother taught me

    1. RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
  • Better make it a double

    Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman.”

  • Where Obama gets his supporters

    A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

  • At least he’ll be remembered

    Joe’s Last Will and Testament provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

  • Answer to a prayer

    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

  • A big loss for the Summer Olympics

    President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics.

  • Scientific product labeling

    As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century atomic physics. We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of EVERY product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.

  • The Ten Commandments

    The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:

  • Los Angeles math test

    NAME ____________________

  • The Constitution

    They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a bunch of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.

  • The Ant and the Grasshopper

    The Traditional Version

  • Cows

    Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And they tracked her calves to their stalls. Somehow, though, they are unable to locate 20 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

  • Keep those prices down!

    1,330,044,544 Chinese walk into a bar, and each orders a gin and tonic. The bartender serves them, and charges them $24 apiece.

  • The quotable Marion Barry

    Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion Barry:

  • What fish?

    A game warden in Central Mississippi recently stopped a redneck who was leaving a well-known fishing cove carrying a ice chest full of fish.

  • How many zeros in a billion?

    The next time you hear a politician use the word “billion” in a casual manner, think about whether you want politicians spending YOUR tax money.

  • One good nap deserves another

    An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

  • U.S. Tax system explained in terms of beer, to make it more manageable

    Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid the bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

  • Ask Carnac the Magnificent

    A: Midrash

  • Great expectations

    What I Want In A Man, Original List … (at age 22)