• The Ten Best Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

    10. “They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.”

  • Presidential penitence

    When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, “I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were three empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

  • Eight simple rules for dating my daughter

    When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

  • Computer gender

    A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like “chalk” or pencil,” she described, would have a gender association – even though in English, these words were neutral.

  • Dying wish

    An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

  • Blow hard

    A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.

  • Behind Mt. Rushmore

    Behind Mt. Rushmore

  • A.A.A.D.D.

    Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

  • Some thoughts for today

    I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

  • Some thoughts for today

    • Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written a self-congratulatory new book. It’s called, “Ministers Do More Than Lay People.”

  • The new flat tax

    In a press conference Thursday, Obama administration spokesman Robert Gibbs responded to an inquiry seeking to clear up the reasoning behind a 40 percent tax increase on aspirin.

  • The safe driver

    A Texas State Trooper pulled a car over near Ft. Hood and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition. “What are you going to do with the money? “ asked the policeman. “Well, I guess I’m going to get a driver’s license,” he answered. “Oh, don’t listen to him, “ yelled a woman in the passenger seat. “He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.” This woke up the guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.” At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, in Spanish, “Are we over the border yet?”

  • Fairy tales

    A little girl asked her father, “Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once Upon A Time’?”

  • Driving lessons

    A group of youths stole a car, and Juan — having the most experience in this sort of thing — was the one who climbed behind the wheel.

  • How to deal with telemarketers

    1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

  • Mark his words

    A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

  • Temperature sensitivity

    60 above

  • Jesus v. Satan

    Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who had better computer skills. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, “Cool it. I am going test you, and after two hours I will judge who does the better job.”

  • Wild things

    An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors — green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

  • Giving thanks: Then and now

    When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homework assignment to write an essay on “something I am thankful for.” Then I’d spend a lot of time sitting in my room trying to figure out just what in the world that could possibly be; and I’d end up writing down everything I could think of from God to environmental consciousness. But after having children, my priorities have clearly changed: