• Great expectations

    What I Want In A Man, Original List … (at age 22)

  • Why computers sometimes crash

    If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
    and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
    and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
    then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

  • Leaks in the gene pool

    A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”

  • Be careful setting your goals

    There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

  • Don’t ask, don’t tell

    Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

  • Find out about the co-pay first

    A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

  • Great news?

    A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs: “Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery!”

  • Coming soon to a garage near you

  • Merry Christmas?

    Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all …

  • The night before Christmas, legally speaking

    Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

  • Christmas riddle

    Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer, and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?

  • Let’s solve everyone’s problems at once

    Everyone concentrates on the problems we’re having in this country currently: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, and alligators attacking people in Florida.

  • Do your stuff, dog

    Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first Man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

  • He kissed a frog

    A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.”

  • Cost-cutting measures


  • Praise the Lord

    An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, “PRAISE THE LORD!”

  • All about women

    Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

  • Contradictions

    45. Act naturally

  • Proposed new Articles of the Constitution

    We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberals.

  • Failed bank robbery

    A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote “this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.”