• Irish humor

    The annual toast contest was in full swing at the neighborhood pub when John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!” His spontaneous wit won him the top prize and free ale at the pub for the best toast of the night.

  • Random thoughts

    The good news is the economy is creating millions of new jobs every year. The bad news is they’re all telemarketers.

  • Sage words

    1. Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
    2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses … and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.
    3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
    4. If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.
    5. When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
    6. It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
    7. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
    8. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the chocolate group and the whatever-the-thing-in-the- tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is group.
    9. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
    10. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
    11. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That’s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
    12. It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
    13. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel … it’s a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.

  • If AOL built a car

    1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
    2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
    3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
    4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
    5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it’s the NEW model.
    6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just “lockup” for no apparent reason.
    7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots’a pretty colors and lights.
    8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
    9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
    10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
    11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
    12. AOL would pass a new car law prohibiting AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
    13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
    14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
    15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
    16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
    17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
    18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
    19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
    20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
    21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, “Good-bye.”
    22. The car would offer reward points for everything and you would NEVER be able to get them credited to your account.
    23. The car would offer it’s own Long Distance Telephone Service and after six months worth of Emails to and from a bunch of idiots that have neither a 11 digit telephone number nor a valid Email address it would tell you that they pulled their equipment out OF THAT STATE!
    24. The car would lock itself up and not start every week or so and you would have to run over to Circuit City and get another CD to get it started again.
    25. If you either misspelled the car’s name or wanted to change either the spacing or capitalization of its name the manufacturer would either lie and either tell it could not be done or have a bunch of idiots tell you it couldn’t be done.

  • Three friends

    After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

  • Terms used in medical research

    These phrases and their definitions may help you interpret the mysterious language of medical research:

  • Now, that’s faith

    A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

  • Achtung!!!

    Das machinen is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!!

  • Gun control does work

    Gun control does work

  • To all you hunters …

    This text actually appeared in a newspaper:

  • The Ten Best Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

    10. “They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.”

  • Presidential penitence

    When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, “I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were three empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

  • Eight simple rules for dating my daughter

    When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

  • Computer gender

    A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like “chalk” or pencil,” she described, would have a gender association – even though in English, these words were neutral.

  • Dying wish

    An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

  • Blow hard

    A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.

  • Behind Mt. Rushmore

    Behind Mt. Rushmore

  • A.A.A.D.D.

    Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

  • Some thoughts for today

    I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

  • Some thoughts for today

    • Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written a self-congratulatory new book. It’s called, “Ministers Do More Than Lay People.”