• The Constitution

    They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a bunch of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.

  • The Ant and the Grasshopper

    The Traditional Version

  • Cows

    Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And they tracked her calves to their stalls. Somehow, though, they are unable to locate 20 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

  • Keep those prices down!

    1,330,044,544 Chinese walk into a bar, and each orders a gin and tonic. The bartender serves them, and charges them $24 apiece.

  • The quotable Marion Barry

    Some of the finest quotes from the Honorable Marion Barry:

  • What fish?

    A game warden in Central Mississippi recently stopped a redneck who was leaving a well-known fishing cove carrying a ice chest full of fish.

  • How many zeros in a billion?

    The next time you hear a politician use the word “billion” in a casual manner, think about whether you want politicians spending YOUR tax money.

  • One good nap deserves another

    An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

  • U.S. Tax system explained in terms of beer, to make it more manageable

    Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid the bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

  • Ask Carnac the Magnificent

    A: Midrash

  • Great expectations

    What I Want In A Man, Original List … (at age 22)

  • Why computers sometimes crash

    If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
    and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
    and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
    then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

  • Leaks in the gene pool

    A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”

  • Be careful setting your goals

    There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

  • Don’t ask, don’t tell

    Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

  • Find out about the co-pay first

    A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

  • Great news?

    A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs: “Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery!”

  • Coming soon to a garage near you

  • Merry Christmas?

    Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all …

  • The night before Christmas, legally speaking

    Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.