Redmond, WA — Microsoft in a recent all cash deal has purchased evil from Satan for $2.7 billion. “We’ve been after Satan for some time,” said CEO Steve Ballmer. “Negotiations were tough but I think both Microsoft and the Prince of Darkness are happy with this deal.”
Before the purchase, Microsoft already had 15% of the evil market, now that number is closer to 100%. The Department of Justice has voiced concerns over one corporation controlling so much evil, and has begun investigations into the deal.
“We feel that there are real opportunities with evil, and that when evil is integrated it into our next generation of Windows products consumers will appreciate evil on their desktop,” said Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. “Businesses haven’t been able to fully realize their evil potential. With evil integrated into Office 2001, corporations big and small will begin to see enhanced evil productivity.”
“Evil is a real growing market,” market strategist Frank Dresgan of Merrill Lynch said today. “Microsoft is a little late in the game, but even when they enter a market late they still tend to dominate. I think we’ll see the same with evil.”
“I’ve been dealing with Microsoft for some time,” Lucifer said. “I’ve been at this evil thing for millions of years, and wanted a way out. I considered an IPO, but then Steve-O and Billy came along and told me about their “Evil Everywhere” plan and that was an offer I couldn’t refuse.”
Evil was founded by Satan close to the beginning of time. It has been growing steadily ever since, although most of the growth has come in the past five years with the development of the internet. Satan plans to retire to a small island in the Bahamas and write a column for the local newpaper.