Ms. Nice Guy — “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have.” Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, main squeeze, doormat.
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly.
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.
Old Yeller — “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable?” Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell.
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans.
Sickly — “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite.” Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy.
The Bosser — “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.” Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom.
Advantages: Often right.
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied — “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?” Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c’mon Honey.
Advantages: Easily soothed.
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed.
Wild Woman out of Control — “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.” Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out.
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.
Huffy — “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at.” Also known as: No fun, humorless pig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly.
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.
Woman from Mars — “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship” Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable.
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.
Ms. Dreamgirl — “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now.” Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous.
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited.
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.