Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:

  • I started out with nothing, I still have most of it.

  • My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.

  • I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

  • Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.

  • All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

  • If all is not lost, where is it?

  • It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

  • Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.

  • I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few …

  • Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

  • It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

  • Only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

  • When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

  • It’s not hard to meet expenses … they’re everywhere.

  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Amen