The government will be coming to your house today in order to exchange your vehicle for an ObamaCar. Government Motors has decided to give you the choice of license plates. Every choice will read OBAMA, but, in the spirit of freedom, you can pick from one of three fonts.

The Motorist Rights Act has been passed. In the name of equality, all races and genders will be given the same make and model, in any desired color — except black, red, yellow, and white, which have been eliminated because of their racial overtones. This will help eliminate the corrosive effect created by those who used to drive nicer cars, on those who slept late and didn’t work hard enough to afford one. With your generous tax contributions, Obama is finally going to help poor and marginalized people own the car he thinks they think they deserve.

With the ObamaCar, all citizens will be allowed to travel at the same speed at all times, depending on conditions. Washington is going to control the speed of your car directly from Central Services, using a network of satellites and qualified bureaucrats who get paid the same whether you arrive safely or crash and die (to reduce the potential for negative job evaluations for members of the Central Services Employee Union).

If you have to be somewhere in a hurry, you can fill out form 27B/2. If you don’t receive the form in time for your trip, you can call the automated complaints line and leave a message. Make sure to specify which form you are complaining about, and to follow the network of prompts associated with that form. If you get disconnected, you will have to start the process over. Because your status will have changed, however, you will have to fill out form 27B2-DC, so the government can keep track of who has been disconnected. After the form is processed, those disconnected will be contacted at night by the Ministry of Surveys. This is a comprehensive multi-department program spearheaded by the Ministry of Improvement. It’s the most expensive, far reaching, labor-&-paperwork intensive program of its kind, but worth every penny.

Lastly, with the new car we will be issuing, you’ll be happy to know that you won’t have to worry about choosing a radio station. In the name of fairness, the government is supplying a 24-hour information loop that gives equal treatment to every point of view, including oppressed Taiwanese pornographers, French homosexual jugglers, and left-handed midget lesbians from Mexico. Don’t worry about the content — all the material has been pre-approved by a secret, highly skilled, super-qualified network of government agents, who have an ideal vision of the perfect society. Best of all, the radio plays at all times, whether the car is on or off.

If you have a problem with the radio service, you can fill out a form. If you don’t know where the forms are, or if your government representative is unresponsive or unclear, you can call the Automated Complaint Line for Government Forms.

If you have a complaint about the Automated Complaint Line for Government Forms, you will have to fill out form 27-B6-6. If you have a complaint about the form for the Automated Complaint Line for Government Forms, you will have to call the ACL Automated Complaint Line and leave a message about the form. Make sure you keep handy the forms you are complaining about, so you can respond quickly to the automated system’s questions. If you happen to misspeak and get disconnected, remember: you CANNOT call the same number back. You will need to fill out the correct form and call a different number. This will allow us to service you efficiently.

Don’t worry. We’ll control everything so you can enjoy your ObamaCar!