• Blaming your farts on me. Not funny … not funny at all !!!

  • Yelling at me for barking. I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG!!

  • Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

  • Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

  • Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.

  • The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo hoooooooo! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

  • Taking me to the vet for “the big snip,” then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

  • Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

  • Dog sweaters. Hello??? Haven’t you noticed the fur?

  • How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know you’re just jealous.