• Who wore it better?

    Who wore it better?

  • Questionable Halloween costume options

    Female Swimmer

  • Why change the flavor?

    “If vegetables are so good, explain to me why vegans always try to make them taste like meat.”

  • Work safely

    How stupid can they be? Neither of them is wearing goggles.

  • Apple

    “Weird … no windows.”

  • Diet water

    I’m sure glad someone finally came out with a diet water. My weight was getting out of control drinking the regular stuff.

  • Dear algebra …

    “Dear Algebra,
    Please stop asking us to find your X.
    She’s never coming back, and don’t ask Y.”

  • For all you foodies

    We have never found a cave painting of a salad.

  • Hang in there

    “The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest.”

  • Every family

    “Every family has one weird relative. If you don’t know who it is, then it’s probably you.”

  • Weight loss tip

    “What do we learn from cow, buffaloes, and elephants? It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.”

  • Thoughts for today

    Answering machine message, “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

  • The Cynical Philosopher

    • I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year; just wondering, shouldn’t that be an even number?

  • Old Adult Truths

    1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
    2. Nothing irks me more than that moment during an argument when I realize I’m wrong.
    3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
    4. We really need a sarcasm font.
    5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
    6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
    7. MapQuest or Google Maps really need to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
    8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
    9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
    10. Bad decisions make good stories.
    11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
    12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection … again.
    13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
    14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
    15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
    16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
    17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
    18. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
    19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
    20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
    21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
    22. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
    23. I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my headphones.

  • Is there life after death?

    “Is there life after death? Jump this fence and find out!”

  • The Origin of the Nobel Peace Prize and the Pulitzer Prize

    Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

  • The Magic Green Hat

    Visiting in Florida last week, I needed to go to the emergency room for a pain in my side. Not wanting to sit there for several hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.

  • Nautical sense of humor

    Ship Happens

  • Term limits

    Limit all U.S. politicians to two terms. One in office, one in prison.

  • Curtis & Leroy

    Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS, and bought a mule for $100.