• U.S. Army billboard

    “We’re proud of our privates.”

  • Warning billboard

    “Beware of low flying aircraft”

  • The World’s Shortest Books

    THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE, by Barack Obama

  • Sushi billboard

    “Sushi. Still your best bet for intestinal worms.”

  • Advertising billboard

    “Guys, admit it. You’re gonna buy anything we advertise here.”

  • Good question billboard

    “If drinking and driving is illegal, then why do bars have parking lots?”

  • St. Pauli Girl billboard

    “Like her mugs? You should see her cans.”

  • Daisy Air Rifle billboard

    “Daisy Air Rifles: Keeping kids off your lawn since 1886!”

  • Marijuana billboard

    “Dude, we totally forgot our slogan.”

  • Finding inner peace

    By following simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Oz proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”

    So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel right now.

  • Not very respectful

    My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”. He then taped it to his office door.

    Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

  • Nominees for the Chevy Nova Award

    These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor of the GM’s fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. “No va” means “it doesn’t go” in Spanish.

  • That’s pretty dense

    The densest element in the known universe has been found! A major research institute has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science.

    The new element has been named Pelosium. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

  • A short spelling lesson

    The last four letters in American: I Can

    The last four letters in Republican: I Can

  • New health care plan for seniors

    Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and a bullet.

    You are allowed to shoot any senator and or representative you want.

  • Read this to feel more intelligent

    “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”

    Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

  • Don’t fill him up!

    Barack Obama turning white

  • Since before you were born, apparently

    Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That’s the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?” Blank stares. “Well, you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.” An eight-year-old girl perked up. “How long was he missing?”

  • God’s problem now

    His wife’s graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there.”

  • I think Santa Claus is a woman

    I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she.