• Walkin’ the walk

    A lonely female crab was walking down the beach one evening when she noticed a male crab coming toward her — but he was walking straight and not sideways.

    Impressed by his talent, she decided to marry him immediately.

  • An answer for everything

    A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

    The man says, “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

  • Guide to border crossing

    If you cross the North Korean border illegally you get 12 years hard labor.

  • Balance

    God had been missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him on the seventh day, resting.

    Michael inquired, “Where have you been?”

  • They’re the best!

    “When witches go Halloweening …”

  • Known by the company he keeps

    Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, “How do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?”

    “Well,” says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

  • Welcome home

    A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

    “May I see your identification, please?” asked the agent.

  • The secret to Oprah’s success

    The secret to Oprah's success

  • Help yourself, friend

    Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand. The farmer shouted, “Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahingesheissen.”

    Which means, “Don’t drink the water, the cows have pooped in it.”

  • Who says the media are liberal?

    A biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, D.C., when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs the sleeve of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her, before the eyes of her screaming parents.

  • Good news from Government Motors

    The government will be coming to your house today in order to exchange your vehicle for an ObamaCar. Government Motors has decided to give you the choice of license plates. Every choice will read OBAMA, but, in the spirit of freedom, you can pick from one of three fonts.

  • Neighborly

    “My next door neighbor wants to ban all guns. Their house is not armed!”

  • Interesting comparison

    “Zoo has African lion. White House has a lyin African.”

  • No more ‘illegal aliens’

    The term “illegal aliens” will no longer be allowed. Henceforth they will be referred to as “undocumented Democrats.”

  • Obamopoly

    Obamopoly

  • Fox news bows to White House pressure

    In response to Resident Obama’s complaint that FOX News doesn’t show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air “America’s Most Wanted” TWICE a week.

  • The Year was 1947

    Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

  • Senior problems

    Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

  • Funniest joke ever (and it’s on us)

    Does anybody out there recall the reason given for the establishment of the Department of Energy during the Carter administration? Bottom line we’ve spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember. It was very simple and at the time everybody thought it very appropriate: the “Department of Energy” was instituted on 8/4/1977 to lessen our dependence on foreign oil.

  • Idiot sightings

    We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a “large enough” motor on the opener.