• Suspicious character

    “The Learning Center on Hanson Street reports a man across the way stands at his window for hours watching the center; making parents nervous. Police ID the subject as a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger.”

  • Mariah Carey on extreme dieting

    “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

  • Fleeing turtle

    “The turtle fled the area undetected.”

  • Truly remarkable

    I think it is remarkable that within a week of Tiger Woods crashing his escalade, the press found every woman with whom Tiger has had an affair in the last few years, with photos, text messages, recorded phone calls, etc.

    And, they not only know the cause of the fight, but they even know it was a wedge from his golf bag that his wife used to break out the windows in the Escalade. Not only that, they know which wedge!

  • God vs. monkeys

    A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

  • Frank Feldman

    A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

    Passenger: “Who?”

  • My dog

    I went down this morning to sign up my dog for welfare.

    At first the lady said, dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.

  • Twenty-nine lines to make you smile

    1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
    2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
    3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
    4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
    5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
    6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
    7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
    8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
    9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
    10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
    11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
    12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
    13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
    14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
    15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
    16. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
    17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
    18. Procrastinate Now!
    19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
    20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
    21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
    22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
    23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
    24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
    25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
    26. Ham and eggs … A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
    27. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
    28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
    29. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

  • You know you’re from California if …

    1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none is visible.
    2. You make more than $300,000 a year and still can’t afford a house.
    3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
    4. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.
    5. You can’t remember … is pot illegal?
    6. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
    7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
    8. You can’t remember … is pot illegal?
    9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
    10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
    11. The guy at 8:30 A.M. at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
    12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
    13. You can’t remember … is pot illegal?
    14. It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: “STORM WATCH.”
    15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
    16. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
    17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
    18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers, and cosmetic surgeons.
    19. The Terminator is your governor.
    20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver’s license. If you’re here illegally, they give you one.

  • No pun in ten did

    1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

  • DUMB ASS of the Year Award — 2009

    Tough to pick a winner in the current administration, but it’s hard to argue with this!

    2009 Dumbass of the Year -- Janet Napolitano

  • The Driver’s License

    A mother is driving her little girl to her friend”s house for a play date.

    “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

  • The Self-portrait

    The Self-portrait

  • Why I no longer shop at Costco

    Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

  • Mary Kay billboard

    “Like a cult, but without the animal sacrifice.”

  • Ace Hardware billboard

    Need a good screw?

  • K-Y Jelly billboard

    “We can’t think of any other uses for it, either.”

  • Hallmark billboard

    “Face it. You’ll never come up with anything clever on your own.”

  • I wrack my brain over this, too

    Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. “I’m going to be away for a long time,” I told him. “I’m going to Iraq.” “Why?” he asked. “Don’t you know there’s a war going on over there?”

  • Exxon billboard

    “Where are all the news crews when we’re not spilling anything?”