• Headlines and the dead art of proofreading

    Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

  • Boy, did he take a wrong turn

    A spaceship landed one day on Earth, and a little green man got out. Addressing a curious passer-by, he said, “Take me to your leader.”

    The passer-by whipped out his cell phone, called 911, and sure enough, an armored SUV soon arrived with a government representative.

  • Smart thinking

    A businessman walks into a bank in New York City. He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

    The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, he has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the man’s expense for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

  • Careful what you request

    When I got home last night my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive …

  • Maybe not the best automated phone system

    Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

  • A reciprocal understanding

    A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: “If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I’ll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

  • Here’s some pay-back for you

    An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.

  • There’s a Commandment for everything

    A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

  • No wonder he’s law-abiding

    A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He said, “Call for backup.”

  • The ideal marriage

    Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

  • Planning for the future

    A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

  • Life in Lake Havasu City

    You can say 128 degrees without fainting.

  • Black vs. white

    Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

  • Riddle gone awry

    About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail Gorbachev at the Kremlin. When he got him alone for a moment, he said to Gorbachev, “Mikhail, can you help me with a problem? I have some doubts about one of the key people under me. How do you decide that someone is smart enough to work for you?”

  • Family get-together

    Morris calls his son in New York. and says, “Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don’t want to discuss it. I’m merely telling you because you’re my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I’ve made up my mind, I’m divorcing Mama.”

  • Signs that you might have a moron for president

    9. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.

  • Hello! It’s the Superbowl!

    For his great work, Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.

  • Top ten ways the Bible would have been different if written by college students

    10. Loaves and Fishes replaced by pizza and beer.

  • Did you know …

    All polar bears are left handed.

  • Signs that you might be getting old

    1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
    2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
    3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.
    4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
    5. When you wake up looking like your driver’s license picture.
    6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
    7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
    8. When happy hour is a nap.
    9. When you’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
    10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to You, and you always hated it.
    11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
    12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
    13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
    14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
    15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
    16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
    17. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
    18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
    19. Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
    20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
    21. It takes twice as long — to look half as good.
    22. Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt — doesn’t work.
    23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
    24. You sink your teeth into a steak — and they stay there.
    25. You give up all your bad habits and still don’t feel good.
    26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don’t care anymore.
    27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
    28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.