• That could have been me

    I was sitting at a red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no cross traffic. After a few moments, another car pulled to a stop next to me. Inside was a load of scruffy-bearded young men shouting anti-American slogans. They had a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the trunk and “Remember George Floyd” spray painted on the side.

  • Leaked copy of government plan to reopen the economy

    Government economic plan

  • Funny joke

    I heard a funny joke about COVID-19 the other day. I’m not going to bother repeating it here because 99 percent of you won’t get it.

  • Lesson learned

    “In the 1980s, A&W tried to compete with the Mcdonald’s Quarter Pounder by selling a ⅓ pound burger at a lower cost. The product failed, because most customers thought the ¼ pound was bigger. This is why I don’t argue online.”

  • Raising the bar

    “Passed the bar

  • Memes for today

  • Respect your elders

    I was in the McDonald’s drive-through the other day, and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

  • Happy returns

    A sweater I bought at Walmart was picking up static electricity so I returned it — they gave me another one — free of charge.

  • St. Patrick

    Saint Patrick regrets his decision to drive the snakes out of Ireland.

  • I used to have it all

    I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

  • Global Warming™ a boon the ski industry

    Warmer times are seeing a drastic revival of winter sports as the Northern Hemisphere adjusts to new the Mediterranean Climate. Scientists say that being able to ski through groves of date-nut and olive trees will be the new normal for the foreseeable future and they urge ski operators to protect lift riders from falling coconuts.

  • How to treat your wife

  • GOP ponders buying Trump a new vacation home

    Reliable sources have confirmed that GOP leaders will be offering to buy former president Donald Trump a new vacation home in the location of his choice in exchange for quietly fading from the political scene.

  • Al Gore creates new line of global warming winter wear

    Nobel Peace Prize Al Gore, former U.S. Senator and Vice-President of the United States, and founder and current chair of The Climate Reality Project, today announced his new line of Global Warming winter wear.

  • Biden administration to rush relief to storm-stricken Texas

    As winter descends with a vengeance on the Great Plains this week, The Biden administration is making arrangements to send relief to the worst-hit areas in the form of new solar panels.

  • Congress establishes Express impeachment process

    After failing twice at impeaching Donald Trump, the House today announced a new Express process for targets of impeachment with three Articles or less.

  • The mule traders

    Two mule traders, Curtis and Leroy, saw an ad for a mule in the paper and agreed to buy it for $100.

  • Ad agencies take the high ground

    Ad agencies in America and Europe have made the shocking discovery that the best approach to sell to white racist bigots is to feature non-whites and mixed-race couples prominently in all ads.

  • The breakfast of winners

    “Phony Bunches of Votes”

  • Texas speed limit

    “SPEED LIMIT 80 or 85, maybe 90 but don’t go 100! (OK what the heck — it’s Texas)”