• New pistol

    Ruger is coming out with a new pistol in honor of Biden. It will be named the “Union Worker.” It doesn’t work and you can’t fire it.

  • Inner Peace

    If you can start the day without caffeine,

  • Puns for educated minds

    1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
    2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
    3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
    4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
    5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
    6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
    7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart
    8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
    9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
    10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”
    13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
    14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”
    15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
    16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
    17. A backward poet writes inverse.
    18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
    19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
    20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
    21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
    22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says “Dam!”
    23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
    24. Two hydrogen ions meet. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
    25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
    26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

  • The latest from WalMart

    Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

  • Bumperstickers seen on military bases

    “When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine”

  • Very brave (but deceased) men jokes

    How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

  • Don’t even try to compete with these guys

    Don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t cheat, don’t sell drugs. The government hates competition.

  • More signs

    “Research shows that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t happy.”

  • The latest technology

    It dries the washing using the very latest technology — a combination of solar and wind power.

  • Healthy doughnut fact

    DONUT FACT #18: Donuts are healthier than Crystal Meth.

  • Is this too much lettuce?

    Be honest. Is this too much lettuce?

  • Don’t need to say a word

    My wife’s female intuition is so highly developed, she sometimes knows I’m wrong before I’ve even opened my mouth.

  • That first kiss

    Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and feel glad that you are alive?

  • Eat cake

    The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.

  • Anything you say

    “Anything you say can be used against you.”

  • D’oh!

    D'oh!

  • California Freedom

  • When God created the cat

    On the first day of creation, God created the cat.

  • Give me patience

    “Lord, please give me patience, because if you give me strength I’ll need bail money too.”

  • When you’re told something is ‘military grade’

    When you’re told something is “military grade.”