• Recession-proof business

    A friend of mine has just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like Muslim prayer mats. It’s doing quite well, he says. Prophets are going through the roof.

  • We reserve the right to refuse service

    Radio station America FM was doing one of its “Is Anyone Listening?” bits this morning. The first question was, “Ever have a celebrity come up with the ‘Do you know who I am?’ routine?”

  • Marriage counseling, Southern style

    Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, “I think I’m gonna divorce my wife — she ain’t spoke to me in over two months.”

    Earl spits, sips his beer and says, “Better think it over: Women like that are hard to find.”

  • Walmart vs. The ‘Morons’

    1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Walmart every hour of every day.
    2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
    3. Walmart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick’s Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
    4. Walmart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
    5. Walmart employs 1.6 million people, is the world’s largest private employer, and most speak English.
    6. Walmart is the largest company in the history of the world.
    7. Walmart now sells more food than Kroger and Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only fifteen years.
    8. During this same period, 31 big supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.
    9. Walmart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
    10. Walmart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had five years ago.
    11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at Walmart stores. (Earth’s population is approximately 6.5 Billion.)
    12. 90% of all Americans live within fifteen miles of a Walmart.
  • Looks as though prayer is back in my life

    I was in slow-moving traffic the other day and the car in front of me had a bumper sticker on it that read:

  • Great Orators of the Democrat Party

    From historic Democrats:

  • Nancy Pelosi the saint

    On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C., an aide to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

    The Cardinal replied, “No. I don’t really like the woman and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi’s views.” Pelosi’s aide then said, “Look. I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”

  • Objection from a formerly drunken sailor

    “1 object and take exception to everyone saying that Obama and Congress are spending money like a drunken sailor. As a former drunken sailor, I quit when I ran out of money.”

  • Drummers

    A jazz trio is playing a gig at an upscale nightclub. They play a classic bebop tune at a fleet tempo with grace and ease. Then comes a Wayne Shorter composition filled with mysterious harmonies, poignant melodies, and daring improvisations. Next they present a medley of lesser known Harold Arlen songs that only a connoisseur would recognize, again played with elegant styling and exquisite taste.

    The whole evening has been one dazzling performance after another. Though the trio is playing background music and not a formal concert, the audience can sense that the musical display they are witnessing is of such a high caliber that the musicians should be allowed to perform as they please without interference.

  • My great, great, great-grandfather invented in-flight movies

    My great, great, great-grandfather invented in-flight movies

  • Whatever the cost, it’s worth it

    “How much to remove my Obama bumper sticker?”

  • Making the most of retirement

    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?”

  • Don’t forget the ‘diversity’

    The unindicted co-conspirator.

  • And a child shall lead them

    And a child shall lead them

  • The miracle of burning the Bush

    “This just in … Barack Obama continues to fail, and it’s still George Bush’s fault.”

  • 99 Red Balloons

    “The president is hiding in the attic.”

  • Try ‘Brazilian’

    “What comes after a trillion?”

  • Presidential humor

    The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate. — Leno

  • Strange bed-fellows

    NBC: (to ABC) “Aren’t we enough: Why does he keep talking about some Fox he can’t get?”

  • Hope it doesn’t change any further

    Hope it doesn't change any further