• The half-wit

  A small business owner was investigated by an agent from the State Labor Commissioner, Dept. of Industrial Relations, Division of Labor Standards, Fair Employment and Housing Enforcement. She claimed the owner was not paying proper employee wages and she demanded a list of his employees and an accounting of their wages.

• What would be do without the experts?

  “Utah Poison Control Center reminds everyone not to take poison”

• Brilliant dogs

  Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog. “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

• Punny Statements

  If you’re a logophile — a lover of words — you might find yourself cringing as you read these.

• Thought for the day

  Eternity is a very long time, especially near the end.

• Poser for the day

  If brevity is the soul of wit, how does one explain Twitter?

• Now that’s a hotline!

  I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

• NBA or NFL?

  There is a certain organization here in the U.S. Of the members of this organization:

• Texas humor

  The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

• Tennessee humor

  A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?” The driver replied, “‘Bout whut?”

• Mississippi humor

  The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!” Bubba replied, “Did you see who it was?”

• Louisiana humor

  A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying … “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.” When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.”

• Georgia humor

  The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

• Alabama humor

  A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. “Where’s Henry?” the others asked.

• An Army of 60+

  New Directive for any war: Send service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.

• Help me move to Mexico

  Dear Resident Obama:

• How a man can make a woman happy

  It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

• To the 535 voting members of the federal legislature

  It is now official: You are all morons.

• To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine, and those who don’t

  As Ben Franklin said:

• The sweetness of married Life

  The newlyweds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, “Honey I’m going to Hank’s Tavern to have a beer, I’ll be right back.”