• Dear Mom

    Dear Mom,

  • Election denial

    The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened.

  • Pudding Guy

    George Phillips, a civil engineer at UC-Davis, has become a cult hero in the obsessive subculture of people who collect frequent-flier miles by parlaying $3,150 worth of pudding into 1.2 million miles. Oh, yeah — he’s also going to claim an $815 tax write-off.

  • UNIX virus

    YOU HAVE NOW RECEIVED THE UNIX VIRUS —

  • Misheard lyrics

    Hal Meggison always wondered why Paul Simon was singing, “She’s got diamonds on the sofa machine,” and was not comforted to learn that she’s actually got diamonds on the soles of her shoes. Helen Garvey heard a 3-year-old child singing, “Who is the daddy of the angel Aquarius?” and it’s a good question.

  • Wife’s birthday

    It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. She’s been leaving jewellery catalogues all over the house, so I’ve bought her a magazine rack.

  • Where were you?

    A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 and 6.

  • Understanding women

    Once you understand why the pizza is made round, packed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle, then you will understand women.

  • Sounded like fun

    I watched a show for about 10 minutes because this lady was listing all of these fun activities.

  • Husbands are best for secrets

    Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they ain’t even listening.

  • Getting customer assistance

    You’d be surprised how quickly employees at Lowe’s assist you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try and and start a chainsaw.

  • Strange way to start a conversation

    My wife just stopped and said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?”

  • Crossfit diet

    Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

  • Special High-Intensity Training

    To assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

  • Horse tips

    Tying your horse’s reins to a post does no good if you then remove the bridle.

  • Memory clinic

    Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first Man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

  • Biden Bingo

    Can be used when watching any speech by Joe Biden.

  • Computer gender

    A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as “she” and “her.” He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men.

  • Not the answer he was seeking

    A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial.

  • Jewish mothers

    Q: What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?