• That’s the beer talking

    Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”

  • Private hells

    A doctor died and went to hell. He was met at the gate and asked to stand in a room and wait for Satan. After four hours Satan finally appeared.

  • Engineers get no respect

    Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?

  • Tradition

    During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Sh’ma prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.

  • Helpful tips

    Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

  • Driving styles

    One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.

  • Speed thrills

    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!!,” so he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

  • Bar stool wisdom

    “A marriage license should be like a fishing license.”

  • $50 for the homeless

    I recently asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be president some day.

  • Teaching math through the years

    Teaching Math In 1950s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

  • It advertises to pay

    “County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds”

  • Another vital government study

    “Fish need water, feds say”

  • Unfortunately, the truth is much worse

    One sunny morning, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he had been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

  • That’s not what I said!

    “Wait a minute, now. I didn’t authorize ATTACKS on the pirates, I authorized A TAX on the pirates.”

  • Definition: Obamanation

    Obamanation (noun; adj.) Oh-bomb-a-na-tion : A COLLECTION OF catastrophic POLICY BLUNDERS, ADMINISTERED BY grossly UNQUALIFIED, ETHICLY CHALLENGED, LIBERAL IDEALOGUES, HELL BENT ON DESTROYING: FREE ENTERPRISE; SMALL BUSINESSES; FREE SPEECH; GUN OWNERSHIP; right to life; National defense; personal wealth; Judeo-Christian ideals … and anything else the hicks in “Fly-over land” cling to, for a start in the first year of “his coming.”

  • The Plan

    1. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
    2. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
    3. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
    4. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.

  • The opposite of progress

    If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!

  • New gun just for Democrats

    “Smith&Wesson 180°

  • Failing economics

    An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had once failed an entire class.

  • Judging a chili cook-off

    Recently, I was visiting Texas, and heard about a chili cook-off at the San Antonio City Park, which was nearby where I was staying. I happened to be standing at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when one of the original judges called in sick at the last moment. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3. This was my first experience judging a chili cook-off.