• Selective hearing

    Barack and Michelle Obama are in the front row at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with secret service agents. One of them leans over and whispers in the Resident’s ear.

  • Woman’s ultimate fantasy

    In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman’s ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman’s ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

  • Morning prayer

    Dear God:

  • Parachutes a-plenty

    An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Barack Obama says, “I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc.,” so he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.

  • What can you say about a stupid person?

    1. The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.
    2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
    3. It’s hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
    4. A few clowns short of a circus.
    5. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
    6. A few beers short of a six-pack.
    7. Doesn’t have all his Cornflakes in one box.
    8. The cheese slid off his cracker.
    9. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
    10. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
    11. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
    12. Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
    13. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
    14. One taco short of a combination plate.
    15. All foam, no beer.
    16. As smart as bait.
    17. Chimney’s clogged.
    18. Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
    19. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
    20. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
    21. Receiver is off the hook.
    22. Skylight leaks a little.
    23. Slinky’s kinked.
    24. Surfing in Nebraska.
    25. Too much yardage between the goalposts.
    26. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
    27. Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
    28. A room temperature IQ.
    29. Bright as Alaska in December.
    30. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
    31. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
    32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
    33. It takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
    34. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
    35. If he had another brain it would be lonely.
  • I read it on the Internet

    I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M’s (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is “MM” in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there’s no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).

  • Just like in Austria

    Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe, as it happens in Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids! Bob attempts to control it, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

  • Sick and tired

    Four friends were taking a cross country car trip together. One was from Florida, one was from New York, one was from Idaho, and one was from Iowa.

  • Not a good argument

    A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

  • Irish humor

    The annual toast contest was in full swing at the neighborhood pub when John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!” His spontaneous wit won him the top prize and free ale at the pub for the best toast of the night.

  • Random thoughts

    The good news is the economy is creating millions of new jobs every year. The bad news is they’re all telemarketers.

  • Sage words

    1. Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
    2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses … and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.
    3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
    4. If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.
    5. When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
    6. It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
    7. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
    8. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the chocolate group and the whatever-the-thing-in-the- tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is group.
    9. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
    10. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
    11. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That’s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
    12. It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
    13. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel … it’s a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
  • If AOL built a car

    1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
    2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
    3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
    4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
    5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it’s the NEW model.
    6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just “lockup” for no apparent reason.
    7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots’a pretty colors and lights.
    8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
    9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
    10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
    11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
    12. AOL would pass a new car law prohibiting AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
    13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
    14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
    15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
    16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
    17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
    18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
    19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
    20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
    21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, “Good-bye.”
    22. The car would offer reward points for everything and you would NEVER be able to get them credited to your account.
    23. The car would offer it’s own Long Distance Telephone Service and after six months worth of Emails to and from a bunch of idiots that have neither a 11 digit telephone number nor a valid Email address it would tell you that they pulled their equipment out OF THAT STATE!
    24. The car would lock itself up and not start every week or so and you would have to run over to Circuit City and get another CD to get it started again.
    25. If you either misspelled the car’s name or wanted to change either the spacing or capitalization of its name the manufacturer would either lie and either tell it could not be done or have a bunch of idiots tell you it couldn’t be done.
  • Three friends

    After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

  • Terms used in medical research

    These phrases and their definitions may help you interpret the mysterious language of medical research:

  • Now, that’s faith

    A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

  • Achtung!!!

    Das machinen is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!!

  • Gun control does work

    Gun control does work

  • To all you hunters …

    This text actually appeared in a newspaper:

  • The Ten Best Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

    10. “They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.”