• The cook’s helper

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

    Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

  • Men’s age as determined by a trip to Home Depot

    You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever.

  • Here’s your change: Obamacare

    Here's your change: Obamacare

  • Summer classes for men at The Learning Center

    REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, July 24th, 2009

  • Better take the gun

    An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed, “Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated .38-caliber revolver so you will always remember me.”

  • The farmer and the government agent

    A man owned a small farm in Alabama. The Alabama Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

  • That’s pretty heavy!

    Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

    The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

  • Senate investigation

    The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.

    The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

  • When fishermen meet

    “Hiyamac.”

    “Lobuddy.”

  • The epitome of discretion

    Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan’s flat in Dungarvan when Sean O’Toole loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

    Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, “Oh, me boys, someone’s got to tell Sean’s wife. Who will it be?”

  • Best entry for the writing assignment

    A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions stated the short story had to contain the following three things:

  • Doctors vs. gun owners

    1. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.

  • Anti-terrorist exercise this Saturday!

    As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4:00 p.m. Eastern Time, every American woman is asked to walk out of her house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

  • The Economy Is So Bad …

    CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

    Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren’t paying their taxes.

  • A Well-Planned Retirement

    Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars about $1.40 and coaches about $7. This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn’t turn up for work.

    “Oh well”, said Bristol Zoo Management, “we’d better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant.”

  • Guys’ Rules

    At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys’ side of the story. We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note … these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

  • Recession, Depression, and Recovery

    Recession: When your neighbor loses his job.

    Depression: When you lose your job.

  • Great new work-out video

    Sweatin’ to the socialists.

  • A dog on a mission

    A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

  • R-E-S-P-E-C-T

    A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

    His friend says, “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”