• A man walks into a bar …

    A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, “Sir, what will you have?”

  • Ten thoughts

    Here are 10 thoughts that may make you think — and smile!

  • How many in a Brazilian?

    The Department of Defense briefed Resident Obama this morning telling him that two Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Afganistan. To everyone’s surprise all the color drained from his face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

  • Insider trading information

    If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

  • Will I live to see 80?

    I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. (I just turned 49.)

  • That’s gratitude

    One-armed man applauds

  • What constitutes a millionaire?

    What constitutes a millionaire?

  • Your choice

    Discount choice

  • How did this happen?

    How did this happen?

  • How did he know?

    Hello, is this Rabbi Schwartz?”

  • No good deed goes unpunished

    A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

  • Selective hearing

    Barack and Michelle Obama are in the front row at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with secret service agents. One of them leans over and whispers in the Resident’s ear.

  • Woman’s ultimate fantasy

    In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman’s ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman’s ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

  • Morning prayer

    Dear God:

  • Parachutes a-plenty

    An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Barack Obama says, “I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc.,” so he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane.

  • What can you say about a stupid person?

    1. The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.
    2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
    3. It’s hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
    4. A few clowns short of a circus.
    5. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
    6. A few beers short of a six-pack.
    7. Doesn’t have all his Cornflakes in one box.
    8. The cheese slid off his cracker.
    9. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
    10. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
    11. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
    12. Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
    13. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
    14. One taco short of a combination plate.
    15. All foam, no beer.
    16. As smart as bait.
    17. Chimney’s clogged.
    18. Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
    19. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
    20. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
    21. Receiver is off the hook.
    22. Skylight leaks a little.
    23. Slinky’s kinked.
    24. Surfing in Nebraska.
    25. Too much yardage between the goalposts.
    26. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
    27. Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
    28. A room temperature IQ.
    29. Bright as Alaska in December.
    30. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
    31. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
    32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
    33. It takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
    34. His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
    35. If he had another brain it would be lonely.

  • I read it on the Internet

    I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M’s (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is “MM” in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there’s no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).

  • Just like in Austria

    Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe, as it happens in Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids! Bob attempts to control it, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

  • Sick and tired

    Four friends were taking a cross country car trip together. One was from Florida, one was from New York, one was from Idaho, and one was from Iowa.

  • Not a good argument

    A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.