• Modern living

    1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

  • Barry the Marxist and Joe the Plumber

    Barack Obama discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Joe the Plumber to come and fix it.

  • Types of women

    Ms. Nice Guy — “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have.” Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, main squeeze, doormat.
    Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly.
    Disadvantages: May wise up someday.

  • Bill Clinton at the Pearly Gates

    Place: HEAVEN

  • No shoving

    A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Sunday School. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Please don’t let me be late!”

  • How to be irritating

    1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

  • Only in America

    Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

  • The old golfer

    A fellow was trying to get in a quick round of golf before heading home one afternoon. He was playing alone, but as he walked onto the first tee, an older man — senior citizen, actually — asked if he could join him.

  • Only 9 to go

    A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, “Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?”

  • Almost there

    A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.

  • The branding incident

    The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.

  • If Windows had been put out by rednecks …

    Their #1 product would be “Mikersoft Winders.”

  • Welcome to the neighborhood

    How to score: 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

  • The Curse

    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a “curse” he has been living with for the last 40 years.

  • The talking dog

    A guy walks in with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and the he has $100 he’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, “What’s the thing on top of this building that keeps the rain from coming inside?”

  • You’re worth it

    The basketball coach stormed into the university president’s office and demanded a raise right then and there.

  • Checking the premises

    A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

  • An insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic

    What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?

  • Blonde painter

    This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

  • Bill Gates in Heaven

    I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95 years old, 5-inch-thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this awful creature.