• Speeding ticket

    “What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?”
  • It’s that day … again

    “Well, it’s new variant day … again.”

  • Jill says ‘stop’

    Please stop. He thinks his name is Brandon.

  • WH leaks continue

    “White House whistleblower claims strangers drag him from place to place and make him sign papers and read words on monitors and he hardly gets any ice cream.”

  • Don’t be one of them

    People who confuse the words “burro” and “burrow” don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground.

  • Why life jackets should be mandatory

    We have to protect the protected swimmers, who are already wearing life jackets, from the unprotected swimmers. That’s the way it works.

  • Never squat while wearing spurs

    Wit and wisdom from Will Rodgers.

  • Inner peace

    • If you can start the day without caffeine …
  • Do you feel like I do?

    I am sorry I have not been very responsive lately. I have been somewhat under the weather. My doctors have diagnosed me as having an acute case of Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic White House Fatigue, AKA PIST-AWF.

  • Bad dog!

    Noted progressive animal nutritionist Lysenko Wang shows off her vegan dog.

  • Perspective

    The next time you’re feeling down, remember life is all about perspective.

  • Dining out

    I walked in to a restaurant to have dinner last night. The host greeted me.

  • Traitor Joe’s

    The Afghans are starting a chain of military surplus stores known as “Traitor Joe’s.”

  • Towing fails

  • Information and advice

    Don’t irritate old people. The older they get, the less the threat of ife in prison is a deterrent.

  • How my summer is going so far

    I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

  • The bull

    My wife and I went to the fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that read:

  • Five rules to remember in life

    1. Forgive your enemy but remember his name.
  • That could have been me

    I was sitting at a red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no cross traffic. After a few moments, another car pulled to a stop next to me. Inside was a load of scruffy-bearded young men shouting anti-American slogans. They had a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the trunk and “Remember George Floyd” spray painted on the side.

  • Leaked copy of government plan to reopen the economy

    Government economic plan