• Can your truck do this?

    I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned it to the dealer yesterday because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

    “Nelson,” the salesman said to the radio.

  • Cats vs. dogs

    1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
    2. Cats look silly on a leash.
    3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
    4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you’ve ever made since the day you were born.
    5. A dog knows when you’re sad. And he’ll try to comfort you. Cats don’t care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
    6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
    7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won’t go at all.
    8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they’ll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
    9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they’re in pain.
    10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

  • Drugs for women

    DAMNITOL

  • Important information for women

    1. Don’t imagine you can change a man unless he’s in diapers.
    2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
    3. If they put a man on the moon — they should be able to put them all up there.
    4. Never let your man’s mind wander — it’s too little to be out alone.
    5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
    6. Men are all the same — they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
    7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
    8. Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
    9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
    10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
    11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
    12. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.
    13. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
    14. Sadly, all men are created equal.

  • Walkin’ the walk

    A lonely female crab was walking down the beach one evening when she noticed a male crab coming toward her — but he was walking straight and not sideways.

    Impressed by his talent, she decided to marry him immediately.

  • An answer for everything

    A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

    The man says, “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

  • Guide to border crossing

    If you cross the North Korean border illegally you get 12 years hard labor.

  • Balance

    God had been missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him on the seventh day, resting.

    Michael inquired, “Where have you been?”

  • They’re the best!

    “When witches go Halloweening …”

  • Known by the company he keeps

    Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, “How do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?”

    “Well,” says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

  • Welcome home

    A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border.

    “May I see your identification, please?” asked the agent.

  • The secret to Oprah’s success

    The secret to Oprah's success

  • Help yourself, friend

    Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand. The farmer shouted, “Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahingesheissen.”

    Which means, “Don’t drink the water, the cows have pooped in it.”

  • Who says the media are liberal?

    A biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, D.C., when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs the sleeve of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her, before the eyes of her screaming parents.

  • Good news from Government Motors

    The government will be coming to your house today in order to exchange your vehicle for an ObamaCar. Government Motors has decided to give you the choice of license plates. Every choice will read OBAMA, but, in the spirit of freedom, you can pick from one of three fonts.

  • Neighborly

    “My next door neighbor wants to ban all guns. Their house is not armed!”

  • Interesting comparison

    “Zoo has African lion. White House has a lyin African.”

  • No more ‘illegal aliens’

    The term “illegal aliens” will no longer be allowed. Henceforth they will be referred to as “undocumented Democrats.”

  • Obamopoly

    Obamopoly

  • Fox news bows to White House pressure

    In response to Resident Obama’s complaint that FOX News doesn’t show enough Black and Hispanic people on their network, FOX has announced that they will now air “America’s Most Wanted” TWICE a week.