• Bill Gates in Heaven

    I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95 years old, 5-inch-thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this awful creature.

  • Am I driving?

    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car — both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.

  • How to identify a hacker

    • Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

  • Offbeat definitions

    404
    Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located. “Don’t bother asking him … he’s 404, man.”

  • Only in California

    This could only happen in California … (true story)

  • Why did that chicken cross the road? — 2008 version

    BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

  • Dating application

    Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

  • My kind of town, Chicago is

    In the last six months there have been 292 persons murdered in Chicago, versus 221 killed in Iraq. The leadership in Illinois is all Democrats:

  • Would you hire this man?

    Imagine for a few moments that you are the human resources director of a major multi-billion dollar corporation. You are sitting in your large, luxurious office when you receive a phone call from the Chairman of the Board of Directors.

  • Microsoft Office 2001

    Redmond, WA — Microsoft in a recent all cash deal has purchased evil from Satan for $2.7 billion. “We’ve been after Satan for some time,” said CEO Steve Ballmer. “Negotiations were tough but I think both Microsoft and the Prince of Darkness are happy with this deal.”

  • Volunteer Fire Department

    A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out.

  • Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder

    Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and asks, “How is the singing career going?”

  • American at the Gates of Heaven

    An American, a Scot, and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

  • Four-letter words

    A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. After they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

  • Elian Gonzalez

    Survey data now shows that 98% of Jews approved Janet Reno’s retrieval of Elian Gonzalez. They knew what it was like to be trapped in Miami with relatives.

  • You may be a nerd

    Your stationery has fax number, two e-mail addresses, and your Internet address.

  • Sayings for today

    Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

  • Teletubbie psychological test

    The following psychological test was developed by a think-tank of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are incredibly accurate in describing your personality with one simple question:

  • Appreciation

    Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration — that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper.

  • Wise child

    Five and half year-old Jennie answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn’t home because he was performing an appendectomy.