• Traitor Joe’s

    The Afghans are starting a chain of military surplus stores known as “Traitor Joe’s.”

  • Towing fails

  • Information and advice

    Don’t irritate old people. The older they get, the less the threat of ife in prison is a deterrent.

  • How my summer is going so far

    I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

  • The bull

    My wife and I went to the fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that read:

  • Five rules to remember in life

    1. Forgive your enemy but remember his name.

  • That could have been me

    I was sitting at a red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no cross traffic. After a few moments, another car pulled to a stop next to me. Inside was a load of scruffy-bearded young men shouting anti-American slogans. They had a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the trunk and “Remember George Floyd” spray painted on the side.

  • Leaked copy of government plan to reopen the economy

    Government economic plan

  • Funny joke

    I heard a funny joke about COVID-19 the other day. I’m not going to bother repeating it here because 99 percent of you won’t get it.

  • Lesson learned

    “In the 1980s, A&W tried to compete with the Mcdonald’s Quarter Pounder by selling a ⅓ pound burger at a lower cost. The product failed, because most customers thought the ¼ pound was bigger. This is why I don’t argue online.”

  • Raising the bar

    “Passed the bar

  • Memes for today

  • Respect your elders

    I was in the McDonald’s drive-through the other day, and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

  • Happy returns

    A sweater I bought at Walmart was picking up static electricity so I returned it — they gave me another one — free of charge.

  • St. Patrick

    Saint Patrick regrets his decision to drive the snakes out of Ireland.

  • I used to have it all

    I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

  • Global Warming™ a boon the ski industry

    Warmer times are seeing a drastic revival of winter sports as the Northern Hemisphere adjusts to new the Mediterranean Climate. Scientists say that being able to ski through groves of date-nut and olive trees will be the new normal for the foreseeable future and they urge ski operators to protect lift riders from falling coconuts.

  • How to treat your wife

  • GOP ponders buying Trump a new vacation home

    Reliable sources have confirmed that GOP leaders will be offering to buy former president Donald Trump a new vacation home in the location of his choice in exchange for quietly fading from the political scene.

  • Al Gore creates new line of global warming winter wear

    Nobel Peace Prize Al Gore, former U.S. Senator and Vice-President of the United States, and founder and current chair of The Climate Reality Project, today announced his new line of Global Warming winter wear.