• Your fat friend

    The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat have become really good friends.

  • Small town benefit

    The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.

  • Troubles begone

    The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

  • Wandering minds

    My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

  • Weight gain mystery

    One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make you gain 5 pounds.

  • Older moms

    Women over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

  • How much is one trillion dollars?

    Q:
    How much is 1 trillion dollars? Put it in context for me.

  • You’ve come a long way, baby

    The Left: “We need a woman President!”

  • Conspiracy warning

    Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2026 if the theories keep turning out to be true at the current rate.

  • Smart water

    If you are buying bottles of smart water for $3.99 each, they are not helping you.

  • Hermaphrodite newborn

    A woman gives birth to a baby. Afterwards, the doctor comes in and says, “I have to tell you something about your baby.”

  • Windows virus

    No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:

  • Saved by an IRS agent

    A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy, at just the wrong moment, and the coin goes straight into his mouth lodging in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

  • Downsizing practice

    Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

  • Mommy ate it

    For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the boy’s mother allowed him to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

  • First kiss

    An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

  • Is that a bug or a feature?

    At a computer software course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: “If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?”

  • Identifying a computer nerd

    • Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

  • Writing the Declaration of Independence

    Mr. Jefferson
    Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential that we complete this Declaration of Independence.

  • Seduction techniques

    HOW A MAN CAN SEDUCE A WOMAN