• Great moments in history

  3050 B.C. — A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

• Elevator humor

  Things to do in an elevator:

• Grand wizard

  The southern preacher rose with a red face. “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the KKK This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”

• Calendar conversions

  It’s year 5784 according to Jewish calendar.

• With age comes wisdom

  The older I get, the more I understand why roosters scream to start their day.

• Facebook popularity

  Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the “cool table” in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

• Airplane mode

  The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

• Upstairs and downstairs

  You know you’re over 50 when you have “upstairs ibuprofen” and “downstairs ibuprofen.”

• The tortoise and the hare

  How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when the rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two years, and the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all lives over 200 years.

• Click on the motorcycle

  The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

• Vegetables

  If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

• I want mommy

  When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy,” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor.”

• Old people

  It’s weird being the same age as old people.

• Context is everything

  Still trying to get my head around the fact that “take out” can mean food, dating, or murder.

• Close enough

  Just once, I want a username and password prompt to respond “CLOSE ENOUGH.”

• Adam and Eve

  If Adam and Eve had been Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

• Friends with benefits

  You know you are getting old when “friends with benefits” means knowing someone who can drive at night.

• Exercising by remote

  Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

• New voice for Alexa and Siri

  For those of you who don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversations, they are making a male version. It doesn’t listen to anything.

• A gift from mom and dad

  I just got a present labeled, “From Mom and Dad,” and I know darn well that Dad has no idea what’s inside.