• The heaviest element

    The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312.

  • The memory clinic

    Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”

  • The best gift

    What’s the best gift you can possibly give?

  • The hesitant potato

    What do you call a reluctant potato?

  • The mute button

    My wife asked, “Why do you keep pushing all my buttons?”

  • The sales interview

    This morning, I was at a job interview. The manager handed me a laptop computer and said, “I want you to try to sell this to me.”

  • Waking up grumpy

    Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I just let her sleep.

  • The Dolly Parton Diet

    My friend Joe just got done with the Dolly Parton diet.

  • It all happened so fast

    A turtle was crossing the road when he got mugged by two snails.

  • No country for misgendering men

  • Psychological diagnosis

    The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

  • Dealing with heretic

    I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off, so I ran over and yelled, “Stop! don’t do it!”

  • Reason to smile

    Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

  • Unwinding

    Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

  • What you love, set free

    If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free … You either married it or gave birth to it.

  • Equal, but not the same

    “Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal in the eyes of the law. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

  • The name change

    A young fellow walks into a talent agent’s office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says “Okay kid, show me what you do.”

  • ATM process: His vs. hers

    HIS

  • Microsoft Support Café

    Patron
    Waiter!

  • Got any ID?

    Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, “Got any ID?”